"You're the one who makes the decisions in your life, no-one else"
-Dr Christian Jessen
After re-reading my previous entry, I have to admit that I haven't been entirely honest. Scratch that, I have been lying. I do know why I'm fat - I ate myself this way. The bullying was a factor as I began to eat for comfort, something I didn't realise at the time. It was my sister who came into the living room and asked me "if I comfort eat" to which I replied "yes" before I had even realised what I had just said.
I think that I have not admitted this to myself because it's easier to act as a victim than as the cause. I am my own worst enemy. I think that I have kept this hidden from people (my sister has never mentioned it again) because it's easier to be comforted than it is to be blamed. Everyone would turn around to me and say "well you're to blame then aren't you?" Which I am….but no-one ever wants to hear that. I think that this is where my problem now stems from. I am still not admitting it and accepting full responsibility for my actions that have brought me here. I don't know why it has taken me so long to get to this point but I believe that there is a subconscious barrier that is preventing me from really making a go of the weight-loss and I think that this may be it.
I didn't realise that the eating disorder had started. I do remember looking at a pack of biscuits and just eating and eating and eating, thinking 'Just one more' and then hiding the empty packet so that no-one would know that I had been an absolute pig. I then felt guilty and promised myself that it would never happen again but food made me feel better. I believe that the development of of the disorder got lost in the depression and eventually the comfort eating became emotional eating. The emotional eating has been recognised (some years ago now) and is currently being controlled. I believe however, that my failure and unwillingness to admit my own active involvement in my weight problems has formed a barrier, where it is easier for me to place the blame for a failed diet and exercise regime om the bad luck that life had dealt me. It has been some years since I left high school and so I can no longer use that as a reason for my continued problems with food.
Deep down, I also believe that I don't deserve it. The bullying and subsequent encounters with men has made me distrustful of them and I believe that, no matter how much I may want it, I don't deserve to be loved by a man. And who would want me? It is easier therefore to hide myself away and live alone, than to take the chance and allow myself to be loved. I understand that this is not a healthy way to live and so I intend to change the way that I think and to actually take a chance on life.
I shall be starting Slimming World this weekend and will be exercising three times a week, whilst keeping everything recorded in a food and exercise diary. I will also be posting my week's progress and weight on this diary so that I can keep nothing hidden and re-programme myself to accept full responsibility. Only through somebody else's eyes can I truly see myself.
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