About me

31st August 2011

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great".

- Mark Twain.

I have decided to write this diary and make it public so that I make myself accountable for my size. It is so easy when you are surrounded by people who know you, to be reassured by the things that they say. It can be to the contrary to what they really believe but they reassure you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. If I am going to get to grips with my weight, then I need to accept responsibility and change my mindset. I'm hoping that people will read this and leave honest comments. Not malicious, hateful comments - more 'wake-up calls'.

A little bit about me:

Since I was 13, I have felt fat. Only from the age of 15, was I actually fat.

I'm not sure how or why the issue started. At 12, I remember shopping at Gap feeling huge and frumpy. I seemed to think that nothing fitted and I was humiliated and depressed when the shop-assistant gave me some carpenter-style jeans to try. They did fit but I left the shop upset and convinced I was huge. They were a size 10.

I don't know why I believed I was fat aged only 12 but it was a feeling that would stay with me throughout my teens. I guess I was just going through the awkward phase every pubescent girl goes through, what with the spots, body odour, greasy hair and raging hormones that makes us go from normal to crazy in a matter of seconds. I just wish - with hindsight - that someone had realised how I felt, pulled me to one side and told me, "No, you're not fat".

Life didn't get any easier through my teens as I went from being mistakenly self-perceived as fat to actually being fat. I don't know how it happened. All I remember is feeling inadequate at school and piling on the weight as soon as I was 13.

It's not that I wasn't active - I trained 5 times a week as a competitive swimmer with galas at weekends, did Judo, diving, rowing and P.E. - but I was depressed.

My 'condition' went unnoticed by my family purely because I never showed it in front of them and eventually, the depression lifted. I have since been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder which I think came into play during high school and didn't make the depression any better. I am also an emotional eater which I think played a huge part (no pun intended).

School life passed in a blur and I continued to feel inadequate, insecure and getting bigger and bigger. The bullying started round about year 9. I went to an all-girls' high school but we shared the bus with the boys' school. They hated me. Public humiliation was a number 1 sport and being a fat girl, you make an easy target that can't be miss. I never said anything to attract their attention but as well as being fat, I am ginger and was spotty.

I really don't know what it is about men. They seem to know exactly what to say to hurt you the most. Girls also know how to do this but they know when there is a line to be crossed and usually refrain from really hurting you but men go straight for the jugular. I have had men shout abuse at me in the street, one guy tried to put his cigarette out in my eye, they have laughed and pointed and once two guys followed me around town, talking about how fat I was and that I was a "monster". This is why I don't trust men. To see a guy being nice to your friends but then have him be absolutely vile to you is incredibly hurtful. I have also had the usual "you have a nice face" and "she's a big girl but she has a vivacious personality". Always my weight is how I am defined.

Back on topic: I was relieved to leave high-school and at Sixth Form, I crash-dieted. I used to walk across town and up a steep hill to college and one day the thought occured to me. Surely, if I skip meals, then the walking combined with the calorie deficit would make me lose weight? It worked. But it also gave me bad headaches and I was miserable and listless with no energy. Eventually I began taking the bus and over the next 8-years, the weight has slowly gone back on. I am now at the heaviest I have ever been at 19st 7lb but am wearing size 28 jeans which is the size I wore before I crash-dieted and weighed 16stone.

I despair to think however, that I shall go through my whole life as a fat girl. There is a whole life that I am just not living because I am fat and feel that I don't deserve it. I am not living, I am just existing.

Weirdly I have also been worrying about what would happen if I were involved in an accident. How are the paramedics going to lift me? I do not want to be air-lifted into hospital by the Jerry Springer show! I owe it to myself, my family and everyone else to be healthy and within a healthy weight. Hopefully, I shall then be attractive to the opposite sex and actually get the right kind of attention. I feel that I have a lot to offer a guy but my weight gets in the way as it's all that people see. I also believe that I don't deserve to have a man love me. I will also be able to buy clothes that I actually like not just ones that fit.

Please don't for one minute think that I am a negative person. The above sounds negative as it is recounting the majority of my life which has had some really 'dark' moments. I have started this diary to make myself accountable for allowing myself to get into this state and to face up to the fact that the only person who can change things is me. I'm not sure how regular my entries shall be but I plan to put up my measurements, my weight, my exercise log and Slimming World receipes that I have tried that week and just my general thoughts. If I get enough courage, I may even post photos monthly to show my progress.

BFN.